Hearts Desires

The last month or so has been a whirlwind. I finished the semester for school (3.5 GPA, go me!) We have gotten into the swing of having a new job, and how the dynamics were going to work. My boys are missing their daddy, but it is all working out.

We're on Christmas break right now, and loving every minute. Having my family together just brings me such joy and excitement. This week, we plan on spending as much time as we can together. We finally put up a mini Christmas tree this evening. It was something for us all to enjoy {and say, "No touch!" to Liam. HA!}. Christmas Eve, we will be buying a few last minute gifts for my mom and Grandma...then we'll have dinner and Aidan and I will make Rice Krispie treat treats. Decorating rice krispie treats is something we adore. I am not much on cookies. Since we all love RKTs, I figure that will be a great alternative.

Brian and I are currently researching the possibility of sending Aidan to a private Christian school. It has been on my heart heavy, here lately. It was reallty heavy on the day of the Newtown, CT massacre. I cannot wrap my head around that entire thing, and I just feel like it is time for my boy to get the education he deserves in a safer environment. Yes, I know, private schools are no safer than public schools...but I feel my boy deserves a Christ-centered education. So, if it is God's will, then He will provide the way go to.

NYC is about four weeks away! I can't believe it. It is right around the corner. Mom is going to watch the boys for me since Brian is currently on second shift. I am nervous. My sweet Liam has never been away from me for this long, so I know we'll be going crazy without each other. Aidan, I believe, will be ok. But...I am excited too. I am looking forward to visiting the WTC Memorial Park, and experiencing NYC. No Broadway shows for this Momma. LoL I looked up ticket costs and it is no less than  $150 a ticket. Yeah, so I believe my happy bum will be Skyping with my babies and getting a full-nights sleep for once. Ha!

Here lately, on my heart...is the deep need/desire for a sweet little girl. My husband is not wanting anymore children, but I don't feel at peace with the "we're done" mentality. I don't think we are. I am just not sure whether it would be by adoption or by birth, that I would have this need met. I have been praying about it. Haven't gotten a clear answer yet. :)

Anyway...hope to have tons of pictures up of our Christmas day. So, on that note. I am off to bed.

In His Light,
Amy

Brian has a job!

Whew! So its been a while since I have updated the blog. I don't think I have anybody really reading it, so it's more for me I guess. Anyway. So, Brian finally managed to get a job. To say that it is an adjustment is an understatement! I feel like I am in the middle of a horrible flashback. The hours he worked at his last job were horrid. This one...well, it is just as bad.

Please don't get me wrong. I am truly grateful for this job, I am. I just have to get used to being a single mom again. Last time, it was difficult because I was without a car for such a small time; well, now it is difficult for the same reason. Except I have activities that we're involved in that I am on the verge of losing because I simply don't have transportation. Brian works from 3pm until between 12-2am depending on OT. Aidan has to have a way to school, so it's a daily nerve issue because I am not sure if Brian will be able to get up to take him to school (I can't drive the truck due to physical issues). I just raised $1,500 for my NYC trip, and getting to choir rehearsal is necesary. Aidan is involved in a Bible Bowl activity that we received financial assistance for, so I need to keep him in that. I know the Lord will provide ways for this, I am just trying to adjust to it.

We are hoping to find a car to purchase within the next 6-8 weeks, and a rental house within the next 6-8 months. I think once we manage to get the car issue taken care of, things will fall into place.

In His Love,
Amy

Such an amazing God!

To God be the glory. That's all I can say.

My NYC trip has been paid for. On January 24th, 2013 I will be boarding a plane, and flying to NY. For the first time, I will be going to stay in NYC. I do have mixed emotions about it. Why? Because I.feel.guilty. My husband works hard to provide for us, and I am leaving him and our boys alone for the first time ever. I have left Aidan and Brian for a week at a time, but I knew Brian could handle Aidan by himself. Aidan was not a baby or a toddler. He was four and five. This time, Brian and I have a strong marriage and I am not in the mentality of a "vacation" away from it all. I am love my husband with all my heart, and leaving him and being away from our family for three days, four actually, will be hard.

I have received a lot of criticism from people in regards to this trip. We don't have much income, so I got people telling me that I had no business going. I even heard, "You have no business going on this trip, especially by begging people for money to go". Yeah. I did not beg for one penny. I didn't ask for money. I used fundraisers, which meant not getting 100% of the money...but knowing I had to work that much harder to fund it. I was gifted this money. The Lord provided the money through His children. It stinks that people look at things that way. So that's how I raised $1,500. It was a learning experience, and I learned that when God wants you to do something, by golly, He'll provide for it.

I also had a realization last night. Let's start at the beginning. My husband stopped wearing his wedding band years ago. He said it caused his skin to get irritated, and he didn't like the design. It made me always insecure. I remember always feeling like the carpet was going to be pulled out from under me, because I always feared he was wanting out of our marriage. In the past year, we gave our marriage (and our lives) to Christ. Our marriage grew stronger, but it was still wobbly. I knew he "wasn't going anywhere", but I never felt like I truly made him happy. I am a mediocre housewife {what can I say, I am not a neat freak and it sucks cleaning up after everyone 24/7}, and with two kids, and being a student, I am tired. Brian participated in the "Faces of Christ" retreat during the first weekend of October. That was the beginning of a wonderful new beginning for us. Before he left for the retreat, he asked me if I knew where his wedding ring was. I did, and I got it for him. He put that ring on his left hand ring finger, and he left. When he came home, we talked..and we were getting stronger still. He didn't take it off, like I had expected him to. So, last night, we were watching TV together, and I look over at him. His ring is on his finger...and I felt secure. We have been through hell and back. We love each other. He is my husband...and I am the love of his life. I've never had that before. I have a man who adores me, and loves me. and I feel like I am the luckiest woman in the world.

Brian has been offered a job at a plant here, and while it is contingent on a background check/drug-test and physical, I think we may be seeing the door opening. Still keeping my fingers crossed for a new career direction. I want to work in Christian Worship, but I have no.idea where to start. So for right now, I'll continue working with the medical field which is my major right now, and playing with cupcakes and praying.

Love to all,
Amy

Reality is...having no car sucks

Sometimes you have to sit back and remind yourself that God is in control. I feel like a child who is on the verge of a temper tantrum right now. It is so minor in other people's lives, and it seems so frivolous for me to mention...but I need a car. A working car with four wheels, that has heat (at least) and good gas mileage. I don't want one because it's cool to have one. I need one because trying to get the stuff done that I need to get done with no vehicle is, well, impossible. My husband works when he can, and usually those days go from 9-7 or so. He is so tired by the time he gets home, I have to wait, or ask my mom top come and get me and drag the kids out to go to the store. Or the laundry mat, or pick Aidan up from school. The laundry mat in our complex is caddy-corner across the street, the trash compactor is on the other side of the neighborhood, and 99% of the time, I am alone with Liam. So, it's not feasible being on the 3rd floor, and trying to drag a 14 month old and a basket of laundry down the steps and across the parking lot..or to drag a bag or two of trash like that. I have a home bakery I tried running out of my home but I can't get out to get supplies for surprise orders.

I keep reminding myself that if I was meant to have one, I would have one. I just have a hard time feeling like a child asking for a ride here, can I go there. It seriously sucks. It's the little things that I complain about, and I hate complaining about it. It makes me sad. I used to have friends who wanted to hang out with me, and since I have no car, and I have to ask for rides places...needless to say I am not invited anymore. Maybe they aren't "true friends"...I like to believe they are. I just don't know what to think about anything anymore.  All I know, is that there is no point is crying over it (tell my body that!) and since this is my blog, I can complain here because nobody reads it anyway. LoL

God Bless,
Amy

What a weekend!

This weekend was so anticipated, but of course, flew by. My sweet cousin was married this Saturday in Indianapolis. My husband, my sweet boys and I packed up a rental (a Hyundai Sonata *grin*) and drove two and a half hours to be there for it. My youngest brother, whom is a truck driver, was there as well. I haven't seen him in three years. I also hadn't seen Bobby, my uncle and aunt since then either. My cousin, Jenn, I haven't seen since I was I was 9!

The wedding was beautiful. It was small,simple, intimate, personal and memorable. They had a wedding ceremony that I wish I had had. Karin (my new cousin by marriage I guess), is so sweet. She is beautiful and I know she completes Bobby. Our trip itself was memorable, as we barely missed being taken out by a semi. I thank God that He protected us.
My husband and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. I didn't think we'd make it this far. He and I have dealt with so many trials. We have separated, reconciled, and a year ago brought Christ into our marriage.  He surprised me with dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. Our boys were in tow, as we didn't have a babysitter. It was good food, and we had a good time.
Sunday was of course our church day. I felt horrible because I had a massive headache and my neck was stiff so I honestly couldn't tell you what I got from the sermon. All I knew if I felt like poo.
On Monday, we went to church again. Our church hosts an annual event called "Family Palooza" which is a free community event with bouncies, petting zoos, games and such. Brian and I volunteered to work in the WAY-FM radio booth. Brian took the first shift, and I was supposed to take the next one. Well, I lost track of time and he ended up working mine too. Aidan had such a blast there. It was muggy, humid and even rained a few times...but we had fun. We also got 4 tickets to Holiday World! We are taking Aidan and our niece, Hailey on the 22nd.
This weekend was wonderful. I miss my family already. I hope I get to see them again soon. Now, I have a TON of homework to do. So I must say Good night.
Blessings,
Amy

Summer Fun, and an update.

This summer wasn't as full of fun stuff as I would have liked for the boys. I look back on it, and it was pretty boring. The highlights were Holiday World (an amusement park up in Santa Claus, Indiana), going to the swimming pool twice, going to the J'Town Community Fair and going to the KY State Fair
Holiday World was fun, but HOT! It was 105 degrees outside, so we stayed at the water park. It was just Aidan and I. He loved getting to spend time with me without Li, or Daddy. We went up with our friend, Missi and her little guy, Dillon. He enjoyed spending time in the water.
The J'Town community Fair was just a small carnival type thing in a church parking lot. Aidan liked the bouncies..but that was about all he did.
The KY State Fair, he loved. We saw Newsboys and Sanctus Real in concert that night, so his day was complete. He didn't get to ride any rides, but he loved it none the less. He enjoyed the TARC bus, and getting to go through the giant blow up heart. We enjoyed time as a family.
On another note, I want to say I am truly amazed at how wonderful and loving our God is. If you've been reading...our choir was invited to sing with MWS in NYC. Well, God has been providing the money through so many wonderful donations and some fundraising efforts. It is amazing how God provides, when it is His will. Thank you.

Aidan excited about the fair :) and Liam

Aidan and the "Boy Fairbear"

Liam ready to run.

I promise, I will post pics soon. My phone is my only internet connection and my phone posts pics sideways. :-/ So, anyway. Thanks for reading.
God Bless.

Blessings

I am blessed. I truly am. I am a child of God. I am a wife to a husband who loves me, and treats me with respect. A mother to two boys who are just wonderful and brilliant. I attend a wonderful church, and though we've been attending SECC for about a year now, we're finally meeting new friends.

My trip to NYC is God's will, or seems to be. Two wonderful couples in our Weekend Couple's Group provided a large chunk of the first payment. My sister and I received a large cake order and that will fund $200 of it. I have started a new hair bow business, called "Bows and Such by Amy"....and I have a $350 order placed for October. That will help fund the second payment, I believe.

I am currently praying for a vehicle. My husband has to take any and all work he can get, so we have to sacrifice alot, including grocery trips, doctors appts and such. I know God is wonderful and will provide as His plan is. But...aside from that...well, I am just praying. I promise I will start adding pictures soon...They just always come out sideways on here if I upload them by my phone. However, I will have internet soon, as I start online classes tomorrow.

I feel blessed.

In His Love,
Amy

Life as I know it.

It has became quite obvious to me here in the past week or so, that the people I thought were friends...well, they aren't. I am heart broken, but there's not much that can fix it. I am who I am. I am a God loving woman, a wife, a mother...and if you don't love me for me, then I guess it's goodbye time. I have had five people I let myself get close to. Each and everyone of them have found another paths. I know it's God's way...but it still hurts.

My "sister" was the one I thought I'd grow old with. She is the only person that I'd share almost everything with. She recently decided that her path was taking her in a dramatically different area. I am not sure that we can find a medium ground now. I mean, she's my partner with our business...but I guess maybe we aren't supposed to be in business together. I seriously miss her companionship. I used to be able to text her and talk when I needed to, and vice versa. Now, I am lucky to get 5 sentences out of her. She's working now, and has a family...I understand that. I just don't matter anymore. Ok. I'll just move on.

But don't expect me to get close to anyone again. I'm over it.

Me? Stressed? No...Ha!

This month...well, it has been down right crazy. Brian is trying to work, the boys birthdays are back to back, I have to come up with my $150 deposit by July 21st and so, with 5 days left, I have $29. Yeah.

This past weekend, I decided with the help of my friend, Tori, that I would host a yard/bake sale. Literally one day planning, and I made $29. She makes hair bows, and taught me how to do it. My problem is I don't have a glue gun. So...I am unable to make more. Then again, I am not selling the ones I made Saturday anyway. However, Tori and I caught up, our kids played...and the much needed rain we'd been begging for, finally came and rained us out. So, now I am back at square one.

The eagerness to go on this trip is so much, and I don't feel as though God is telling me now....but it is like taking over my life. I can't stop thinking about it. Constantly wondering what else I can try. I have to raise $150 by July 21st, and 50% of the amount due (about $600) by August. That's a lot of hair bows, that I am not even able to sell. I am...honestly beginning to feel beat. If it's God's will, then I suppose it will happen. But it sure is tiring.

Oh yes. So, I got my financial aid reward letter. I am excited. Eligible for a PELL and a CAP grant. Woohoo! Awesomeness. Down side, is registration is this week. Yikes! So, Brian has to take me downtown to register...I think. I have changed (yet again) my major. I need something...generic. the medical field is flooded and jobs are impossible. So, business management it is. HR management is what I am going for.

The boys birthday party is Saturday. Hoping for the best.

What was I thinking?

I was beaten. Satan got me, and I am not proud of it. I gave up almost too easily on my NYC trip. Well, thanks to my amazing cousin, I was uplifted and encouraged to continue trying. The Lord gave us an amazing opportunity, and I feel as though this is a test, and I am being tested to put my faith in Him and for Him to provide.

So, even with the fact that our forecast is nothing but rain, I'm planning to have a bake/yard sale. I am out of cupcake cups, so I have to find a way to the grocery store. But today I will be baking a couple/few dozen cupcakes. Chocolate and vanilla. My normal buttercream frosting. I need to earn $150. The real fun part is trying to figure out how to get there. Having no car is kind of making this hard, but I suppose if I have to walk to Walmart (which is about 2 miles away), then I will. Just gotta pray it won't rain.

I look at this and giggle. All this for $150. Really?! Oye..the things we do.

Acceptance

I am trying so hard to accept everything that happens to me as God's will. He has a plan, and I just can't see it. I am downright angry, upset and disappointed right now because I guess my determination has been smacked with reality. My feeble attempt at fundraising for NYC is just that. Feeble. The reality is that I can't go, and it bothers me that people judge the whole situation. It hurts like crazy, because I know I won't get another opportunity to do this but it's out of my hands.

Still jobless, still miserable...add losing my best friend because he is on cloud nine and falling in love and I was too much of a downer for him. Idc how childish it was, losing your best friend, especially three over a lifetime hurts like hell. I honestly have to believe that just maybe I have strayed or something. I don't understand. I am blessed to have a roof over my family's head, food in our stomachs and such...but I can't help but hurt because I sacrifice so much and I get nothing (I know, Oh woe is me). If you don't like the tone, then I am sorry. Get over it. I am working on acceptance.

The end.

Amy

It's Up to God.

I have finally heard from our choir director that any fundraising efforts are our individual responsibility. With that said....I have two ideas that I am planning on doing. First, I am going to host a bake sale and raffle. I have also found a website that helps recieve donations made by friends and family. The website is: www.gofundme.com/nyc-choir-trip.

I kindly ask that if you are able to do so, that you would kindly make a donation to my trip fund. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I am beyond excited that God has chosen us (and me!) for this spectacular experience. It IS up to God, and I know this.

Time for a Change.

I have been praying a lot in the past few weeks. I am almost knocking on 30's door. I am miserable, unhappy, and needing a change. So, I have decided to begin looking for something for work. I am once again applying for jobs. We need steady income and with the field that Brian is trying to break into being slow, even for experienced contractors...well, that leaves me to do it.

I have a lot of questions. Childcare issues and transportation are my two biggest issues. Brian's hours during the week can be unpredictable, so there will be a lot of times where I will have to find a babysitter, and a way there. The way I look at it though, God will provide for me. So, I ask for prayers from anyone who comes across my little blog, for direction and courage for me.

In His Love,
Amy

Sick and Tired

I complain a lot. I know I do, and while I try not to...well, it just happens.

My church choir was invited by a gentleman who conducts Michael W. Smith's concert, to sing in a concert with him at Carnegie Hall on January 26th. I was beyond excited. I mean, I have never been to NYC before, and to sing with MWS at Carnegie Hall, is a dream come true. Well...it is exactly that. A dream. It won't come true, unless God intervenes here. The trip is a whopping $1095. That is not including the airfare, which could be at least $400. Well...I don't work. I can't because I have no childcare for my kids, and Brian's days are so unpredictable....so I am shtuck. Our church is not sponsoring the event, so Idk if they'll let us have any fundraisers. I know I am not the only one who doesn't have the means to go...but I am super hurt and disappointed.

I am over being unhappy. I am over being miserable. Idk how, just yet, but I will find childcare, and get back out there and work. But anyway...enough of this. I am going to see if I can find a couple of books on the library's website for my Kindle. Good night.

Father's Day and other stuff

We don't really celebrate days like Mother's Day or Father's Day. Why? I am not really sure. Father's Day for me is still painful to deal with, so "ignoring" it is easiest for me and with Brian ignoring it, well, it's a win-win.

We did our usual Sunday routine. Church, bible study, and then hanging out at my Gram's for the day. We eat dinner, the kids play, the adults catch up...and then we go home. It's been that way as long as I can remember. Pastor Dave preached about being an involved dad...and truthfully, I fought to stay awake through it. It's not that I wasn't interested, I was just exhausted. But, I enjoyed the bible study. One of our deacons came and spoke. He told the story about his life, which oddly enough, sounded a lot like mine. Not identical but close enough.

I know I am not a good writer. I used to be, but that's one of the things that went away. I know not many people at all follow my blog, so I am comfortable saying..."I am not happy". Why? I am trying to figure that out every day. I am not sure whether it is my depression (I have fought depression for years, more after my dad passed), or whether it's the fact that I literally feel stuck. I used to be independent. I had a car that I paid payments on. I paid my insurance, and put gas in my car. I worked my tail off, to put groceries in the house, to pay LG&E and the stuff Brian couldn't pay for...but I didn't have to ask for a ride to the store, to the park, to see friends. I didn't have to ask for money to buy shampoo and other toiletries. I took care of me, and as much for Aidan as I could. Now, it's all different.

I wake up, clean the house, referee my boys who love to rough house and play. I thaw out dinner, and try to stay connected to the outside world. I am a stay-at-home mom. Most moms would love it. I am not. I am too independent for this. I know people will tell me, "Oh you're married, you're not supposed to be independent. Rely and depend on each other." That's not me. I don't like it...so idk if that's why I am so miserable but something has to give. I can't take my kids on vacation. Heck, I can't even guarantee Aidan he'll be returning to his school that he has grown to love and knows. Just pray for me. For us.

Lastly, to my dad. Three years down and who knows how many to go. Maybe that's why this is so hard. I don't know how much longer until I see you again. You never get "over" losing a loved one. You learn to live with it. That's what I've done. I still ache, and most likely always will. My son asks me all the time if Pop-Pop is dead, and the knife goes deeper. I told him I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't. Maybe I need counseling again. Well, it's kind of hard to get it. Not too hard to figure out why.

It's about that time. So, with that said...have a great and blessed day.

Amy

Deep breath.

The past month has been a crazy, insane...and shocking one. We've moved, on the hottest weekend of the year. Brian managed to get heat exhaustion, so it took us three days to move. We are moved in and trying to get settled.

Aidan finally got into the developmental pediatrician. He was originally "diagnosed" with aspergers by the school's psychologist. However, in order to get the official diagnosis and get help for him, we needed an developmental pedi. It was a long process, and two appointments, but we know what he has now. Our son has Tourette Syndrome, OCD, ADHD and GAD (general anxiety disorder). Yeah, we went from aspergers, to that. Talk about a mind-boggling day.

Aidan has had bronchitis for about a week now, and the cough still hadn't stopped today so we took him to the hospital for a chest x-ray. A cardiologist ended up being the only available to read it. Well, they discovered an undiagnosed right aorta arch. It is also known as vascular ring, and it is constricting his airway. So, we have to wait on a cardio-thorastic surgeon to look at it and see about treatment.

This has been a crazy, insane, heartwrenching process and I just don't know what to think anymore. A support system is what I need...and I gotta find it.

All I Can Say...is "Wow!"

So, after a week from you-know-where, of moving and everything, I got some absolutely awesome, <i>awesome</i> news. I sing with my church, Southeast Christian's choir. I absolutely love it, and while I joined later in the season, I am finally starting to see that it isn't just a once a week rehearsal-perform once a month gig.</p>
<p>This weekend, we performed during the services. Right before our last one, which was at the 11:15 Sunday service, we were told that we were asked by Michael W. Smith's people to be his background choir, and perform with him at Carnegie Hall in NYC! How <i>awesome</i> is that?! I am so excited. We have some serious fundraising to do, as it's not cheap to go there

God is good!

God is good! That's all I can say. My family has a roof over their heads, and we will be ok. The lease was signed yesterday, walk-thru done today...and after the fiasco of "friends" dropping like flies (gotta love moving on a holiday weekend) and not having help...we managed to get help.

My kids...well, they are fabulous. Aidan, my sweet six year old, is moving on to 2nd grade. My baby boy, Liam, is into everything. He babbles, says dada, baba and such. Tries to walk, but isn't quite there yet. He is 10 months old, and I just want to cry because he's not that sweet, tiny baby anymore.

Hopefully, once we get moved into our new home we'll have the ability to...idk, maybe add pics :)

Until then...God Bless.

In His Love,
Amy

Mother's Day

Mother's Day...was awful. I had a heavy heart, and I honestly don't know why. We went to church, and at SECC, all mothers stand for a short two minute prayer. I fought crying through the whole service, and I knew when it was time to stand, that I would lose it. I did. Brian held my hand, and I prayed hard.

We went to bible study afterwards, and the subject at hand (we are taking a break from "The Story") was Marriage. We read from Ephesians 5:2-24, about the context of submission, and how you show the world your marriage is "different" in terms of being Christian. I was at a loss of words. I look at mine, and while my husband and I are both christians, I don't see that we have a Christian based marriage. Something we have to work on.

We went afterwards to my Gram's. I just couldn't shake the heavy heart. I went to the bathroom, and just cried and cried. I don't understand why though. Then, to make matters worse...my glasses broke. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am literally darn near blind. I can't see. So, I was frustrated after that. I am thankful I have Rx sunglasses so that I can see...it was just a little dark in there as it was rainy. We ate chicken and all the fixin's ;)

I honestly wish I could tell you why I am so sad. I have been praying about it, and praying that the Lord would fill me with the Holy spirit, with patience, and love...and understanding. We have gotten an apartment, which we will move in to at the end of May. Brian is working odd jobs, enough to make sure we can pay rent and the few utilities we have. So, I just don't understand. But...maybe some things aren't for my understanding. I will just draw nearer to my God and find strength through Him. That being said, this song below is a source of strength for me. Blessings

Have a Blessed Day.

In His Light.
Amy

A Home?

We have been searching for a place to live for a while now. Nobody has had a vacancy in our area, in our price range. It has been so dang frustrating, and has taken a toll on both of us. Now, we have possibly found a place. I don't know that it will work, but we will at least know we did everything possible, if we do end up in the room. We won't know until maybe tomorrow, so for anyone who reads this, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is up to God, as we don't know whether this is His will. We both feel positive about it, but I felt positive about another place and we didn't meet their requirements.

More later...

I Miss Them.

Missing my dad has been heavy on my heart. I miss him, and my Mama Cashman. I cannot call them. Heaven has no telephones, postal service or e-mail. Wouldn't it be awesome if they did have internet, so they could read this? Ha. I know, I make no sense. But, this is who I am. I saw Papa today, at Sophie's birthday party. I honestly still feel weird being with Papa and Mama being gone. One without the other...it's not "normal".

I was watching Father Daughter dances on YouTube tonight, because they have some funny ones. Brian asked me why I was watching them and torturing myself. We have been to, I believe, two weddings since my dad passed. I couldn't watch that dance. I feel jealous, angry, and sad. I am jealous because I didn't get that opportunity with my dad. He was too sick to be at my wedding, and my uncle walked me down the aisle. I am angry because I want my dad here with me, and I am sad because I just miss him so much I ache. It never goes away. I am 28 years old, and the thought of another lifetime without him is often too much to bear.

My dad and I had a rough relationship. He was bipolar, and we were too much alike, so we fought a lot as I was growing up. He could be emotionally abusive. He kicked me out at 17, and we just...I don't know, we couldn't live together. So, we didn't. I still loved him. He moved to Arkansas to be with Momma in...heck, I don't remember what year that was. Maybe 2002. Once I grew up, we got along better, and that's when his epilepsy got nearly uncontrollable. They finally got it under control, but he had heart issues as well. He was someone that I wanted to hold onto for dear life, because I knew he wouldn't be there with me for long.

Mama Cashman. :) She is...she was the 'other' grandma I never had. I won't go into detail about how I met her, but she is a close friend of mine's grandma. She kept me sane many of times, and she listened. Mama and Papa took me in, and I lived in their garage 'room'. She loved me like a grandma would. She wasn't one of those "baking" grandmas. She and I would sit down at the kitchen table, watch our "Days of Our Lives" and "Passions" (both of which are soap operas, but Passions is no longer on) and talk about the story line. We would talk about anything and everything. Gosh, I miss that woman.

I didn't realize I had written a novel...so I think I'll stop now. I hope that my dad and my mama know how much I love and miss him, and I totally can't wait until we're reunited again.

In His Love,
Amy

Not much to say.

We're still here, and we're still looking. Praying that the Lord will show us where we're supposed to go. We looked at a nice apartment today, but it's in Mt. Washington, and Brian just doesn't want to leave the Louisville area. So, we're back to square one, and nerves are wearing thin. We have less than a month...well, we're moving out the 20th, whether we have somewhere or not. But, thats NOT a lot of time, especially when nobody, and I mean nobody has rentals available in this area that are in our price range and our needed size.

I feel as though God is telling us to relocate, but since Brian doesn't feel it...we're hitting a brick wall. I just don't want to see what happens if we disobey Him. I am just curious...if your a couple, and you get one message, but your spouse doesn't ...what do you do with it? Hmmm...

In His Love,
Amy

Smile!

Today started my training for walking/running the Mini-Marathon next year. I am pumped to do this, as I have never been very athletic. I killed 2.10 miles in about 36 minutes. Not much, but it's a lot for me. Next time, I will remember to bring water. :)

Brian has gotten another job. It is in landscaping. I am afraid to get excited, as he doesn't go for testing for another two weeks. We still have to move, and as of right now, I am not sure how we'll do it. God's guiding us, I know that much.

With all of that...I am super tired. God Bless.

In His Love,
Amy

I hate packing

The packing adventures are not real fun. It has taught me a lesson though. Our next home, I will de-clutter once a year. This is insane how much crap we have! We have stuff that I forgot about, and stuff I've been looking for. So, I am having to decide on what things I want to keep versus throw away. It's stressful, especially with Brian working. My friend, Kristen, is coming over tomorrow to help get more done. Provided we get a room, our move out date is like...idk, a week away or so. I want to be done with this place.

Monday, Brian and I will be going downtown so I can register for classes at JCTC, and will also go to Aidan's school to change our address. The "yard sale" I was going to participate in on the 12th is a "no-go". I just don't have time to bake, nor sale anything. My business endeavor is on hold for now...but once we're stable, it will return and will be better than ever.

For whatever reason, I take pictures on my phone and when I blog them, they are sideways. So...Sunday (which is currently when I have internet access) will be the day of pictures for my boys. :) So, with that said, have a great day!

In His Love,
Amy

Heartache

I was determined not to write about my dad. I didn't see the point, because well, he's been with Jesus for three years now, and I should be ok. Right?

Well, I am not. The 3rd anniversary of his death was Sunday, and the ache of missing weighed heavily on me. I appeared to be "ok". After all, I am supposed to be happy that he is whole, healthy and with his Lord and Savior. Then...I look at my two sons. My oldest met him, and doesn't remember it. He knows Pop-Pop by pictures, but he doesn't know about Pop-Pop's sense of humor. His love for laughing, and having fun. He just knows PopPop is in heaven with Jesus because he got sick. Liam will never know him either. Well, except for the stories I tell them.

So, while everyone seems to have forgotten my wonderful Daddy (with the xception of my brothers and my stepmom), I will just say, "Daddy, if I had known that our last hug was going to be our last, I would have held on tighter and longer. I wouldn't have been in a rush to get ready to go out that night. And I would have come down sooner. I know you didn't mean the words you said in the hospital, and I forgave you. I love you. I miss you. I need you. And until I get to see you again, in our heavenly home, I will continue to ache for you. I'll try to not feel bitter and hateful toward those whose father is still here. You wouldn't want that. I'll see you soon, Daddy."

In His Love,
Amy

It's Almost Time!

Brian and I went downtown, and I got my paperwork in order for the summer semester at JCTC. I am excited because I am ready to go back to school and get it together. I got back down on the 30th to register for classes. My major? All I know is something medical. I'm thinking Medical Administration...but part of me is still interested in Business Admin.

Liam is still not feeling good. No fever, but cranky and not sleeping well. His nine month check up is Friday, so hopefully his meds work and he feels better soon.

What a Horrible Weekend

This weekend was horrible. Liam was sick. Diagnosed with pink eye and an ear infection on Wednesday, started antibiotics...and fever non-stop through Saturday. I felt so bad for him. Saturday night, Liam did not sleep at all. He woke up at 1am screaming, 2am and 4am. I missed church because I was simply wiped out. It really bothers me, but I can listen to it Tuesday.

I started a walking regiment. Not to "lose" weight, because I am happy with being where I am, but to just exercise. Liam and I have been walking about an hour before we go get Aidan from the bus stop, but it seems to be a bad time with the heat (or lack thereof in the past two days). So, we'll see how that works out.

I have been playing with cupcake recipes, still trying to get my bakery off the ground. My mom has been my critic, and she is tough. So far, my frostings are by far her favorite. The cake...she doesn't like because they are always "too" something. I am determined. I don't like being told I can't do something. However, I do have to wait until we get a place to actually bake stuff.

Aside from that stuff, I am truly a boring person who has nothing extremely interesting going on. So, with that said, God Bless.

Amy

Nine Months In...Nine Months Out.

Liam is 9 months old. Hard to believe!

Me at 9 months pregnant (actually as I was about to walk out the door to have him)

And...Liam at 9 months old:

We love you, Liam Lawrence!!

Sleep Deprivation and Hope

It seems that though my sweet Li is nearly 9 months old, he still doesn't understand that sleep is precious. When momma doesn't have sleep, Momma gets cranky...and boy was I cranky this weekend.

Thankfully, today I got to sleep in a bit more. It was nice, until I realized my sweet baby has some serious allergies going on. Poor baby. Puffy eyes kind of kind pink eye, without the pink. Makes a momma sad.

We appear to have found a place to stay. A friend of mine, whom I have known since I was 16, and her husband have offered us a place to stay at their home. It will be very cramped, with 9 people in a 3BR house, but better than sleeping in our truck. My faith is truly being tested, and I know it. It's very hard for me to see that God is carrying us through this...yet I know he is. He has given us a place to stay, and while I wasn't able to take the job I was given..I know that we'll be ok.

I am soo grateful to my friend and her husband. Opening their doors to my family, when they have such a small home is such a God thing. It's beautiful and I am overflowing with joy. Now, let the packing begin...ermm..carry on :)

-In His Love,
Amy

Prayers and Praise

This weekend was fun. Easter service at SECC was beautiful. Saturday, Aidan and my niece Hailey were invited to my Goddaughter/niece Vaeh's birthday party. There was a scheduling conflict with volunteering in the baptistery for 5pm Easter service, so we were not able to attend. But, we had a super time making Miss V's cake. My sister Tasha made a heart shaped cake, and covered it in marshmallow fondant. It came out beautiful.

I had another interview this afternoon, but I don't think it will amount to anything. The receptionist position I interviewed for went nowhere as well, however the VP whom I interviewed with, is going to forward my resume to a colleague of his. Hopefully that will open a door. Brian is working a part-time insulation job. And when I say part-time, I am talking about two days a week, for about ten hours a day...for $10 an hour. Pretty much enough to put gas in the truck. We get closer and closer to moving out of here, and I don't know where we're going to go. Then I remember...Jeremiah 29:11. :)

God Bless.

-Amy

I am back..for now.

It appears they have an app for Blogger, so I may be able to continue my blogging. Well, here's a quick update of the happening in our family since January.

We are still unemployed. Since Humana's interview of which  I received a "Thanks but no thanks letter"...I have had two...two interviews. UPS as a data enty clerk, and another company as a receptionist. UPS didn't choose me. I am not sure how the receptionist position went, but I feel pretty good about it. Brian has had one interview. Yup. Just one. He got the infamous letter too.

We have started packing, as we know our time here is coming to a quick end. We honestly don't know where God is taking us yet. My friends lost their house, which was our plan to stay there. They now live with in-laws.

The closer we get to the unknown, the more I feel like Abraham and Sarah. I don't know what God's plan is yet, but I know it will be simply beautiful and wonderful.

Lastly: my beautiful boys. While we didn't take Easter pictures, I am trying to keep pictures of them. They are growing so fast! Liam is 9 months old already! Momma is kind of getting baby-fever again. But...that is up to God ;)

How Sweet It Is.

This weekend has been nothing but eye opening to me. Friday afternoon, I went and interviewed for a position as a Service Operations Admin Clerk. It was broken down more to me, and is more data analysis than anything. I don't have the "warm and fuzzy" feeling I have landed the position, however I am not worried about it. I have my sister, and our close friends praying for us everyday. We are praying everyday. We feel truly blessed to have such wonderful friends in our lives.

So, onto other things...Liam, our sweet baby, will be six months on Friday. He has broken through another tooth, and is the sweetest baby ever. He's been in pain, but we've been managing with Tylenol and Baby Orajel. He still isn't STTN but, it hopefully is right around the corner. Ha! He will not sleep without his blanket. A fleece blanket. Of course, this leads momma to be a nervous wreck. I try so hard to keep it out of the crib, but if I want to ever sleep, then I don't have much of a choice. He is eating his solids now. LOVES his solids. He's had bananas, avacado, carrots, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, squash and applesauce. He's not big on the applesauce or the squash. He loves his bananas and peas though.

Aidan is doing very well in school. We are in the processes of getting him into a developmental pedi so that he can get the "official" diagnosis for aspergers so we can get him into therapy. I am telling you, he is very difficult anymore. It breaks my heart, because I literally pray every moment for patience with him. I know he is trying, and there are some things he just can't do. I feel bad at times, because though I love my son more than words, I wish he could do the things he can't do. I may be a bad momma for that, but I can't help it. I wish my baby boy could do everything that kids his age do. So, sue me if I am a bad momma.

Hopeful for a happy ending...soon.

So, yesterday, I recieved a phone call. Humana called, and an interview was scheduled! Hurray! I am so excited, and I pray that this is the Lord's plan for us. The truth is, as time goes by, the harder it seems for us. Brian has been sick, so this mama is tired.

What can I say...blogging is hard.

I am not very good at this blogging thing, and with no internet, well..it makes it a bit more difficult. So, I have signed up for mobile blogging. Hopefully, it works. Anyway, I decided to take some much needed photos of the boys. Liam is five months old, and growing every day so much. Aidan is six, and wow...all I can say, is slow down Lil Man! So, here are what this mommy came up with for pictures. 

Here we are!

So, you've found our little page in the web. We are Brian, Amy, Aidan and Liam. We are a Christian family, just learning how to rely on God and His promise. Brian and I are both not working right now. I've been a SAHM (stay at home mom) for a year and a half. Brian was recently laid off from his job after more than 10 years. We've been married for 4 years, together for 8. Aidan, our 6 year old son, has been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome (a high functioning autism). Our newest addition, is our six month old son, Liam. He is a total joy. So, as we walk through this jungle of life.

In His Love,

Amy