I Miss Them.

Missing my dad has been heavy on my heart. I miss him, and my Mama Cashman. I cannot call them. Heaven has no telephones, postal service or e-mail. Wouldn't it be awesome if they did have internet, so they could read this? Ha. I know, I make no sense. But, this is who I am. I saw Papa today, at Sophie's birthday party. I honestly still feel weird being with Papa and Mama being gone. One without the other...it's not "normal".

I was watching Father Daughter dances on YouTube tonight, because they have some funny ones. Brian asked me why I was watching them and torturing myself. We have been to, I believe, two weddings since my dad passed. I couldn't watch that dance. I feel jealous, angry, and sad. I am jealous because I didn't get that opportunity with my dad. He was too sick to be at my wedding, and my uncle walked me down the aisle. I am angry because I want my dad here with me, and I am sad because I just miss him so much I ache. It never goes away. I am 28 years old, and the thought of another lifetime without him is often too much to bear.

My dad and I had a rough relationship. He was bipolar, and we were too much alike, so we fought a lot as I was growing up. He could be emotionally abusive. He kicked me out at 17, and we just...I don't know, we couldn't live together. So, we didn't. I still loved him. He moved to Arkansas to be with Momma in...heck, I don't remember what year that was. Maybe 2002. Once I grew up, we got along better, and that's when his epilepsy got nearly uncontrollable. They finally got it under control, but he had heart issues as well. He was someone that I wanted to hold onto for dear life, because I knew he wouldn't be there with me for long.

Mama Cashman. :) She is...she was the 'other' grandma I never had. I won't go into detail about how I met her, but she is a close friend of mine's grandma. She kept me sane many of times, and she listened. Mama and Papa took me in, and I lived in their garage 'room'. She loved me like a grandma would. She wasn't one of those "baking" grandmas. She and I would sit down at the kitchen table, watch our "Days of Our Lives" and "Passions" (both of which are soap operas, but Passions is no longer on) and talk about the story line. We would talk about anything and everything. Gosh, I miss that woman.

I didn't realize I had written a novel...so I think I'll stop now. I hope that my dad and my mama know how much I love and miss him, and I totally can't wait until we're reunited again.

In His Love,
Amy