We don't really celebrate days like Mother's Day or Father's Day. Why? I am not really sure. Father's Day for me is still painful to deal with, so "ignoring" it is easiest for me and with Brian ignoring it, well, it's a win-win.
We did our usual Sunday routine. Church, bible study, and then hanging out at my Gram's for the day. We eat dinner, the kids play, the adults catch up...and then we go home. It's been that way as long as I can remember. Pastor Dave preached about being an involved dad...and truthfully, I fought to stay awake through it. It's not that I wasn't interested, I was just exhausted. But, I enjoyed the bible study. One of our deacons came and spoke. He told the story about his life, which oddly enough, sounded a lot like mine. Not identical but close enough.
I know I am not a good writer. I used to be, but that's one of the things that went away. I know not many people at all follow my blog, so I am comfortable saying..."I am not happy". Why? I am trying to figure that out every day. I am not sure whether it is my depression (I have fought depression for years, more after my dad passed), or whether it's the fact that I literally feel stuck. I used to be independent. I had a car that I paid payments on. I paid my insurance, and put gas in my car. I worked my tail off, to put groceries in the house, to pay LG&E and the stuff Brian couldn't pay for...but I didn't have to ask for a ride to the store, to the park, to see friends. I didn't have to ask for money to buy shampoo and other toiletries. I took care of me, and as much for Aidan as I could. Now, it's all different.
I wake up, clean the house, referee my boys who love to rough house and play. I thaw out dinner, and try to stay connected to the outside world. I am a stay-at-home mom. Most moms would love it. I am not. I am too independent for this. I know people will tell me, "Oh you're married, you're not supposed to be independent. Rely and depend on each other." That's not me. I don't like it...so idk if that's why I am so miserable but something has to give. I can't take my kids on vacation. Heck, I can't even guarantee Aidan he'll be returning to his school that he has grown to love and knows. Just pray for me. For us.
Lastly, to my dad. Three years down and who knows how many to go. Maybe that's why this is so hard. I don't know how much longer until I see you again. You never get "over" losing a loved one. You learn to live with it. That's what I've done. I still ache, and most likely always will. My son asks me all the time if Pop-Pop is dead, and the knife goes deeper. I told him I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't. Maybe I need counseling again. Well, it's kind of hard to get it. Not too hard to figure out why.
It's about that time. So, with that said...have a great and blessed day.
Amy
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