Life as I know it.

It has became quite obvious to me here in the past week or so, that the people I thought were friends...well, they aren't. I am heart broken, but there's not much that can fix it. I am who I am. I am a God loving woman, a wife, a mother...and if you don't love me for me, then I guess it's goodbye time. I have had five people I let myself get close to. Each and everyone of them have found another paths. I know it's God's way...but it still hurts.

My "sister" was the one I thought I'd grow old with. She is the only person that I'd share almost everything with. She recently decided that her path was taking her in a dramatically different area. I am not sure that we can find a medium ground now. I mean, she's my partner with our business...but I guess maybe we aren't supposed to be in business together. I seriously miss her companionship. I used to be able to text her and talk when I needed to, and vice versa. Now, I am lucky to get 5 sentences out of her. She's working now, and has a family...I understand that. I just don't matter anymore. Ok. I'll just move on.

But don't expect me to get close to anyone again. I'm over it.

Me? Stressed? No...Ha!

This month...well, it has been down right crazy. Brian is trying to work, the boys birthdays are back to back, I have to come up with my $150 deposit by July 21st and so, with 5 days left, I have $29. Yeah.

This past weekend, I decided with the help of my friend, Tori, that I would host a yard/bake sale. Literally one day planning, and I made $29. She makes hair bows, and taught me how to do it. My problem is I don't have a glue gun. So...I am unable to make more. Then again, I am not selling the ones I made Saturday anyway. However, Tori and I caught up, our kids played...and the much needed rain we'd been begging for, finally came and rained us out. So, now I am back at square one.

The eagerness to go on this trip is so much, and I don't feel as though God is telling me now....but it is like taking over my life. I can't stop thinking about it. Constantly wondering what else I can try. I have to raise $150 by July 21st, and 50% of the amount due (about $600) by August. That's a lot of hair bows, that I am not even able to sell. I am...honestly beginning to feel beat. If it's God's will, then I suppose it will happen. But it sure is tiring.

Oh yes. So, I got my financial aid reward letter. I am excited. Eligible for a PELL and a CAP grant. Woohoo! Awesomeness. Down side, is registration is this week. Yikes! So, Brian has to take me downtown to register...I think. I have changed (yet again) my major. I need something...generic. the medical field is flooded and jobs are impossible. So, business management it is. HR management is what I am going for.

The boys birthday party is Saturday. Hoping for the best.

What was I thinking?

I was beaten. Satan got me, and I am not proud of it. I gave up almost too easily on my NYC trip. Well, thanks to my amazing cousin, I was uplifted and encouraged to continue trying. The Lord gave us an amazing opportunity, and I feel as though this is a test, and I am being tested to put my faith in Him and for Him to provide.

So, even with the fact that our forecast is nothing but rain, I'm planning to have a bake/yard sale. I am out of cupcake cups, so I have to find a way to the grocery store. But today I will be baking a couple/few dozen cupcakes. Chocolate and vanilla. My normal buttercream frosting. I need to earn $150. The real fun part is trying to figure out how to get there. Having no car is kind of making this hard, but I suppose if I have to walk to Walmart (which is about 2 miles away), then I will. Just gotta pray it won't rain.

I look at this and giggle. All this for $150. Really?! Oye..the things we do.

Acceptance

I am trying so hard to accept everything that happens to me as God's will. He has a plan, and I just can't see it. I am downright angry, upset and disappointed right now because I guess my determination has been smacked with reality. My feeble attempt at fundraising for NYC is just that. Feeble. The reality is that I can't go, and it bothers me that people judge the whole situation. It hurts like crazy, because I know I won't get another opportunity to do this but it's out of my hands.

Still jobless, still miserable...add losing my best friend because he is on cloud nine and falling in love and I was too much of a downer for him. Idc how childish it was, losing your best friend, especially three over a lifetime hurts like hell. I honestly have to believe that just maybe I have strayed or something. I don't understand. I am blessed to have a roof over my family's head, food in our stomachs and such...but I can't help but hurt because I sacrifice so much and I get nothing (I know, Oh woe is me). If you don't like the tone, then I am sorry. Get over it. I am working on acceptance.

The end.

Amy

It's Up to God.

I have finally heard from our choir director that any fundraising efforts are our individual responsibility. With that said....I have two ideas that I am planning on doing. First, I am going to host a bake sale and raffle. I have also found a website that helps recieve donations made by friends and family. The website is: www.gofundme.com/nyc-choir-trip.

I kindly ask that if you are able to do so, that you would kindly make a donation to my trip fund. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I am beyond excited that God has chosen us (and me!) for this spectacular experience. It IS up to God, and I know this.

Time for a Change.

I have been praying a lot in the past few weeks. I am almost knocking on 30's door. I am miserable, unhappy, and needing a change. So, I have decided to begin looking for something for work. I am once again applying for jobs. We need steady income and with the field that Brian is trying to break into being slow, even for experienced contractors...well, that leaves me to do it.

I have a lot of questions. Childcare issues and transportation are my two biggest issues. Brian's hours during the week can be unpredictable, so there will be a lot of times where I will have to find a babysitter, and a way there. The way I look at it though, God will provide for me. So, I ask for prayers from anyone who comes across my little blog, for direction and courage for me.

In His Love,
Amy

Sick and Tired

I complain a lot. I know I do, and while I try not to...well, it just happens.

My church choir was invited by a gentleman who conducts Michael W. Smith's concert, to sing in a concert with him at Carnegie Hall on January 26th. I was beyond excited. I mean, I have never been to NYC before, and to sing with MWS at Carnegie Hall, is a dream come true. Well...it is exactly that. A dream. It won't come true, unless God intervenes here. The trip is a whopping $1095. That is not including the airfare, which could be at least $400. Well...I don't work. I can't because I have no childcare for my kids, and Brian's days are so unpredictable....so I am shtuck. Our church is not sponsoring the event, so Idk if they'll let us have any fundraisers. I know I am not the only one who doesn't have the means to go...but I am super hurt and disappointed.

I am over being unhappy. I am over being miserable. Idk how, just yet, but I will find childcare, and get back out there and work. But anyway...enough of this. I am going to see if I can find a couple of books on the library's website for my Kindle. Good night.