Time for a Change.

I have been praying a lot in the past few weeks. I am almost knocking on 30's door. I am miserable, unhappy, and needing a change. So, I have decided to begin looking for something for work. I am once again applying for jobs. We need steady income and with the field that Brian is trying to break into being slow, even for experienced contractors...well, that leaves me to do it.

I have a lot of questions. Childcare issues and transportation are my two biggest issues. Brian's hours during the week can be unpredictable, so there will be a lot of times where I will have to find a babysitter, and a way there. The way I look at it though, God will provide for me. So, I ask for prayers from anyone who comes across my little blog, for direction and courage for me.

In His Love,
Amy

Sick and Tired

I complain a lot. I know I do, and while I try not to...well, it just happens.

My church choir was invited by a gentleman who conducts Michael W. Smith's concert, to sing in a concert with him at Carnegie Hall on January 26th. I was beyond excited. I mean, I have never been to NYC before, and to sing with MWS at Carnegie Hall, is a dream come true. Well...it is exactly that. A dream. It won't come true, unless God intervenes here. The trip is a whopping $1095. That is not including the airfare, which could be at least $400. Well...I don't work. I can't because I have no childcare for my kids, and Brian's days are so unpredictable....so I am shtuck. Our church is not sponsoring the event, so Idk if they'll let us have any fundraisers. I know I am not the only one who doesn't have the means to go...but I am super hurt and disappointed.

I am over being unhappy. I am over being miserable. Idk how, just yet, but I will find childcare, and get back out there and work. But anyway...enough of this. I am going to see if I can find a couple of books on the library's website for my Kindle. Good night.

Father's Day and other stuff

We don't really celebrate days like Mother's Day or Father's Day. Why? I am not really sure. Father's Day for me is still painful to deal with, so "ignoring" it is easiest for me and with Brian ignoring it, well, it's a win-win.

We did our usual Sunday routine. Church, bible study, and then hanging out at my Gram's for the day. We eat dinner, the kids play, the adults catch up...and then we go home. It's been that way as long as I can remember. Pastor Dave preached about being an involved dad...and truthfully, I fought to stay awake through it. It's not that I wasn't interested, I was just exhausted. But, I enjoyed the bible study. One of our deacons came and spoke. He told the story about his life, which oddly enough, sounded a lot like mine. Not identical but close enough.

I know I am not a good writer. I used to be, but that's one of the things that went away. I know not many people at all follow my blog, so I am comfortable saying..."I am not happy". Why? I am trying to figure that out every day. I am not sure whether it is my depression (I have fought depression for years, more after my dad passed), or whether it's the fact that I literally feel stuck. I used to be independent. I had a car that I paid payments on. I paid my insurance, and put gas in my car. I worked my tail off, to put groceries in the house, to pay LG&E and the stuff Brian couldn't pay for...but I didn't have to ask for a ride to the store, to the park, to see friends. I didn't have to ask for money to buy shampoo and other toiletries. I took care of me, and as much for Aidan as I could. Now, it's all different.

I wake up, clean the house, referee my boys who love to rough house and play. I thaw out dinner, and try to stay connected to the outside world. I am a stay-at-home mom. Most moms would love it. I am not. I am too independent for this. I know people will tell me, "Oh you're married, you're not supposed to be independent. Rely and depend on each other." That's not me. I don't like it...so idk if that's why I am so miserable but something has to give. I can't take my kids on vacation. Heck, I can't even guarantee Aidan he'll be returning to his school that he has grown to love and knows. Just pray for me. For us.

Lastly, to my dad. Three years down and who knows how many to go. Maybe that's why this is so hard. I don't know how much longer until I see you again. You never get "over" losing a loved one. You learn to live with it. That's what I've done. I still ache, and most likely always will. My son asks me all the time if Pop-Pop is dead, and the knife goes deeper. I told him I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't. Maybe I need counseling again. Well, it's kind of hard to get it. Not too hard to figure out why.

It's about that time. So, with that said...have a great and blessed day.

Amy

Deep breath.

The past month has been a crazy, insane...and shocking one. We've moved, on the hottest weekend of the year. Brian managed to get heat exhaustion, so it took us three days to move. We are moved in and trying to get settled.

Aidan finally got into the developmental pediatrician. He was originally "diagnosed" with aspergers by the school's psychologist. However, in order to get the official diagnosis and get help for him, we needed an developmental pedi. It was a long process, and two appointments, but we know what he has now. Our son has Tourette Syndrome, OCD, ADHD and GAD (general anxiety disorder). Yeah, we went from aspergers, to that. Talk about a mind-boggling day.

Aidan has had bronchitis for about a week now, and the cough still hadn't stopped today so we took him to the hospital for a chest x-ray. A cardiologist ended up being the only available to read it. Well, they discovered an undiagnosed right aorta arch. It is also known as vascular ring, and it is constricting his airway. So, we have to wait on a cardio-thorastic surgeon to look at it and see about treatment.

This has been a crazy, insane, heartwrenching process and I just don't know what to think anymore. A support system is what I need...and I gotta find it.

All I Can Say...is "Wow!"

So, after a week from you-know-where, of moving and everything, I got some absolutely awesome, <i>awesome</i> news. I sing with my church, Southeast Christian's choir. I absolutely love it, and while I joined later in the season, I am finally starting to see that it isn't just a once a week rehearsal-perform once a month gig.</p>
<p>This weekend, we performed during the services. Right before our last one, which was at the 11:15 Sunday service, we were told that we were asked by Michael W. Smith's people to be his background choir, and perform with him at Carnegie Hall in NYC! How <i>awesome</i> is that?! I am so excited. We have some serious fundraising to do, as it's not cheap to go there